britishhsdetectivehakuba:

Hakuba made a soft sound as his fingers were released from his fabric, he thought the other was pulling away, denying him – he couldn’t blame him, he was a mess right now – and Hakuba shook more, wanting to cry, to cry and scream out all his frustrations. This was just to much, not only was he denying himself, but he was being denied by Kuroba, and he just couldn’t handle this, it was all to much.

And then he being pulled up.

As the arm slid around him he could feel himself tense, but he didn’t push him away. He just looked up at him, with panicked, sad and desperate eyes as the other arm slid around him. He could already feel the tears starting to flow once more; he wasn’t being rejected. Kuroba was holding him, holding him close and tightly and it was warm. It was so warm, it made his whole body heat up and the knot in his chest loosened and he could finally breathe again.

His hands reached up to grip his suit jacket and he held onto him, as if letting go would cause him to fall into an endless pit with no bottom. He clung to him as if his life depended on it, face moving to rest in the crook of his neck and he just breathed. He breathed and took in the scent and feeling and warmth and his whole body sagged against the other, even as his chest tightened with panic at the contact of skin.

“Kuroba-kun.”

Kaito hesitated again before tilting his head against the other’s, running a hand softly up and down Hakuba’s back.

If there was one thing he knew, it was a need for contact. Warmth, comfort, feeling. To know one was truly alive and not alone. He…  felt it much too often himself. Though, at least he could normally act on it. The magician couldn’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for Hakuba right now, to have that feeling in combination with his phobia, which wants the exact opposite. And the fact that the detective didn’t really want the magician to get close, normally. Hakuba would hate him for making him like this. For making him want more contact. The detective had just show how much he didn’t like it- he knew this, and yet..

…I’m sorry.

But he’d do what he could to relieve the one thing he knew he could help with right now, pulling the teen in more.

I didn’t mean to put you at war with yourself.

He wanted to cry with him.

I just didn’t want you to leave me behind.

Wanted to be able to let his own emotions out.

I’m so, so sorry…

To tell him what was going through his mind.

Hate me if you want…

But he couldn’t. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t. Not with things as they were.

Just please stay.