Hush~

meitantei-cowlick:

moonlightmajutsushi:

x (29)

The thief didn’t look up. Though he had been the one to come over to the other’s house, he didn’t want the detective to see him like this…

As he recalled the events from earlier that night, the tears wouldn’t stop. He could still feel the hand of the man he had tried to save, just before his grip had…

A choke escaped him and he lowered his head even more.

“There was nothing I could do…”

Maybe it had seemed a bit extreme, being relieved to possibly die. There had just been so much going on before that time, so much he kept hidden and bottled up with no one really to talk to. He supposed he could have trusted Ran with his problems but at the same time he hadn’t wanted to bother her. She had enough going on with her own parents and trying to make her own life. He’d done enough bothering of her growing up it just hadn’t seemed right.

To be honest he wasn’t even sure why he’d confessed that to KID, suicide wasn’t something he often thought of. But that night it would have been so much easier to die then to have to continue on being some one he wasn’t.

KID had made being Conan so much more bearable, even if it was also a painful reminder that he had screwed up and only made things worse for himself. Wrapping his arms around the thief again, returning the hug, he found this seemed an appropriate response. At least until he started speaking again.

Ghost of the first KID… ? Frowning some, he didn’t pull away. 

“You aren’t a ghost.” His voice was firm but caring. “Even if you aren’t the first KID that doesn’t make you a ghost.” Certainly his thief had to know that, right? 

Silence before he dared to ask. “What… happened to the first?”

Ok, the way he paced that could have been better. Probably the pause had made it seem even more serious than it had meant to be. Not that it wasn’t serious, it just felt like the other was taking it to mean he was having an identity or existential crisis, or something, which had not been his intention.

And he couldn’t help but laugh. A soft, rather sad laugh, though there was a hint of actual amusement in it.

“Ah, no… I didn’t… I mean…” A sigh and what little smile he may have had from the laugh fell. He really should have just shut up, because he already wanted to back out.

“…Kidis a ghost, tantei-kun. If it weren’t for a few coincidences occurring, there still wouldn’t be a thief in a white suit jumping off buildings, causing trouble, or bugging a detective from time to time with night visits. Because the original…”

Another pause. A choke, really. This had been the reason he hesitated before. Telling someone about what’s behind Kid, even if it isn’t really much in comparison to everything that could be said, well… it was actually a lot harder than he realised. Even with his emotional state somewhat askew, even with the looming drowsiness, and even with wanting to tell Shinichi, who had said so much about his own thoughts and feelings and was here, comforting a thief who was showing a side that he probably wasn’t used to seeing…. he was having a lot of trouble getting the words out. The warning sirens were going off, telling him not to say anything more, not to answer.

But he ignored them and pressed on, starting to tremble again, though whether from anger, fear, or sadness… even he wasn’t entirely sure anymore.

“…The first was murdered… at the time before the eight year ‘hiatus’ from stealing….” He finally managed to get out, voice soft and wavering, the words just barely loud enough to hear. It really did hurt to say it to someone who didn’t already know. Who didn’t know anything, really, and still didn’t. Every time he thought about it, he got angry, really. When Jii had told him, when he confronted the very people who took his father’s life… he’d been sad, yes, but also could feel a hate rise up. And though he did feel they deserved it so, so much… he really didn’t like the feeling.

However… saying it to Shinichi felt different. The hate was still there, but much less so, and more of the grief came through. He wasn’t sure if it was because of who he was telling, that the other didn’t know the exact meaning behind it all, about Toichi, about Pandora, about….everything. Or if it was the circumstance, with his Poker Face pretty much gone soon after he got here anyway… but it was a nice change, even if he didn’t like having to feel any of it in the first place.