(…Most of the checking in and posting from work isn’t supposed to be allowed, since we’re not supposed to be on or phones at all. They’re incredibly relaxed about it for us overnight workers, though, because they… somewhat… understand how hard being nocturnal is.

…’Somewhat’ in that they probably don’t know how much it affects people who’s main connection to people is through the internet.

I know I chose to be overnight, but there were reasons for that. Biggest being that there would be less customers and people to have to interact with. I’m not the best at social communication, and while a casual conversation is fine (if they don’t mind me not being the best at it, since I just really don’t talk much), but random people constantly coming up or expecting me to know things I might not isn’t something I can handle much of. I’ve also just always been more active at night in general.

…So, yes, I have a social anxiety. I’m an introvert. I didn’t need something that throws me with a ton of people to talk to.

What happens when I get my first job? They put me in the largest section that no one cares about, that requires quite a bit of maintenance, and also put me in charge of answering the f-ing phone and making announcements over the intercom. I don’t even answer my own phone, unless I know who’s calling/am expecting it. Thanks a lot.  If I don’t have something to distract me, I frequently started getting stressed and frustrated, unable to calm down until four hours in, at lunch break when I can go home and spend a lot of time somewhere more comfortable and quiet.

The biggest problem to my phone use, however is because, I don’t have a ‘normal’ life. I’ve moved twice, and I’m not the best at connecting with people, so I have very, very few friends in RL. Currently one that I might could call up to ask to hang out with, maybe. If I didn’t need sleep and she didn’t have her own job to do during the day.

So everything I have is online. But even then, time interferes with when I can actually do anything with people. No matter how hard I might try and schedule, most activity takes place well within my sleep time. So I try and hold on to as much time as I can, which is why I end up on my phone at work.

…But how the hell can I try explaining any of that to the managers? Should I even try? Because I don’t even know if they’d care about that, or just see it as me making excuses.

…I kinda just wish they’d fire me, instead of making me scared to even speak up about anything. My apathy is one thing I half-shared with Spider. I care more about staying connected and emotionally stable than a retail job that I only applied for because my parents said I’d have to get one if I chose to stop what I had been going to college for. Which had taken a lot of thought already, and was a big decision, but the career I’d gone in for required a lot of dedication and interest, which I’d lost after two years of studying it. And I even broke down crying when I said needed to drop out. I’ve already been through enough emotional stress regarding decisions, and my current job wasn’t one of them. It’s a necessity, given the terms my parents gave, but everything’s just gotten worse and worse the longer I’ve been working, and my phone helps with it. …Until I get caught and then stressed because they talk with me about it, usually in groups of two.

…Sorry, I’m just really more freaking out right now because every time they catch me on it, I get terrified they’ll actually take it away the rest of the night. And it’s not like I’ve ever been diagnosed for anything or have enough behind me other than too much thinking to explain why I have obsessive behaviour regarding why I’m on the phone. I wan to say something, but it really will probably sound like an excuse. …Though I will say, they know I’m (mostly) honest. When they asked if they’d see me on it again, I didn’t say no. It’d be a straight up lie, and I knew it. So I said ‘I don’t know’. Because it’s true, I don’t. People are asleep by now, so I’m not on it as often, if at all.

…But I just really don’t know what to do…)