Tag: britishhsdetectivehakuba

britishhsdetectivehakuba:

Hakuba swallowed, watching the other as his fingers traced a cheek and then moved closer towards the others mouth. That was when his wrist was grabbed and he winced a little, making a soft sound. He didn’t know what that meant. He didn’t say stop, and he didn’t pull his hand away, but he couldn’t move it any further then he was already; though he was still close enough to slip a finger inside his mouth, but he didn’t. He looked up at Kuroba, expression worried; had he gone too far?

Though the look he was receiving was more one of question then anger.

“I want…” He swallowed again, mouth dry. “I want to… stop… to stop thinking.” His cheeks flared an even darker shade of red, all the way up to his ears. How could he be asking such a thing? This was embarrassing and ridiculous and not something he would normally do. He squirmed a bit in Kuroba’s hold, looking down before gently brushing his thumb across the others lip, shivering at the sensation against his finger; his hands were so sensitive…

“Please…”

Ah… so he wants to lose some awareness…

Though he was still apprehensive about the situation, Kaito was starting to lose the will to stop the detective from doing whatever he wanted. Hakuba seemed to know what he was choosing to do, for the most part. Still self-aware, in any case, if the blush was any indication. And the magician was losing reason from the detective wanting to be more intimate. He could still feel where Hakuba had touched, and the thumb over his lips only made it worse. He liked the closeness, not being pushed away, not having to worry about the other passing out on him…. Well, the last might still happen, but he seemed more calm right now.

And the plea all but broke what resistance he had left.

The magician closed his eyes and sighed, waiting a moment, then letting go of the other’s wrist as he opened them again, a small, soft smile finally coming up. He gave a small nod to show that he was willing and it was okay for Hakuba to continue, collar chiming once again.

britishhsdetectivehakuba:

Hakuba’s body was at war with his mind.

His body craved more, wanted less clothes, more skin; more warmth. His mind was screaming at him, telling him all the contaminates that he could be getting, that were spreading; that he was dirty. He wanted to throw up, to pull away and yet stay right where he was. he trembled, fingers tightening their grip in his shirt and for once he didn’t want to think. He didn’t want to have all these possibilities, he didn’t want to know just how badly he needed to shower; to wash his hands.

He wanted it all to stop.

His feelings, which he’d buried down deep, locked away where hopefully they’d never surface; they were rising. They broke free of their restraints and thoughts of how soft Kuroba’s hair was, how beautiful he looked all flustered, how much he really wanted to spend the rest of his life with him. It was too much, too overwhelming, like he was drowning in sensations and needs and thoughts and fears, and he just wanted to breath.

Hakuba released his hold on Kuroba and started to slip off his gloves with shaky fingers. It was something he’d learned while petting a cat. For some reason he had no problems petting cats, as long as his fingers were washed immediately afterwords. Mostly because they liked to keep themselves clean, and also apparently those who were petting them. The cat had licked his fingers, and his mind had gone blank.

That’s what he wanted now.

He hesitantly raised his hands and then pressed them near his cheek, cheeks going dark red.

The back rubbing paused as the magician felt the other let go and start moving his hands. He looked down as well he could without pulling away too much, eyes widening when he saw the gloves coming off. The last time the detective had removed them…

No…

He didn’t move as the hands were brought up, only watching them for a moment before looking back at the other’s face, concern showing on his own. Hakuba seemed to at least be fully aware of what he was doing this time, but if he didn’t stop him, who knew how much longer that would last… But on the other hand, did he really want to keep the detective as he was right now?

The stilled hand drew back to take hold of one of the other’s wrists. It wasn’t a tight hold, nor did he pull in any way. He didn’t say anything to make Hakuba stop. Just a worried face and questioning hold.

britishhsdetectivehakuba:

Hakuba made a soft sound as his fingers were released from his fabric, he thought the other was pulling away, denying him – he couldn’t blame him, he was a mess right now – and Hakuba shook more, wanting to cry, to cry and scream out all his frustrations. This was just to much, not only was he denying himself, but he was being denied by Kuroba, and he just couldn’t handle this, it was all to much.

And then he being pulled up.

As the arm slid around him he could feel himself tense, but he didn’t push him away. He just looked up at him, with panicked, sad and desperate eyes as the other arm slid around him. He could already feel the tears starting to flow once more; he wasn’t being rejected. Kuroba was holding him, holding him close and tightly and it was warm. It was so warm, it made his whole body heat up and the knot in his chest loosened and he could finally breathe again.

His hands reached up to grip his suit jacket and he held onto him, as if letting go would cause him to fall into an endless pit with no bottom. He clung to him as if his life depended on it, face moving to rest in the crook of his neck and he just breathed. He breathed and took in the scent and feeling and warmth and his whole body sagged against the other, even as his chest tightened with panic at the contact of skin.

“Kuroba-kun.”

Kaito hesitated again before tilting his head against the other’s, running a hand softly up and down Hakuba’s back.

If there was one thing he knew, it was a need for contact. Warmth, comfort, feeling. To know one was truly alive and not alone. He…  felt it much too often himself. Though, at least he could normally act on it. The magician couldn’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for Hakuba right now, to have that feeling in combination with his phobia, which wants the exact opposite. And the fact that the detective didn’t really want the magician to get close, normally. Hakuba would hate him for making him like this. For making him want more contact. The detective had just show how much he didn’t like it- he knew this, and yet..

…I’m sorry.

But he’d do what he could to relieve the one thing he knew he could help with right now, pulling the teen in more.

I didn’t mean to put you at war with yourself.

He wanted to cry with him.

I just didn’t want you to leave me behind.

Wanted to be able to let his own emotions out.

I’m so, so sorry…

To tell him what was going through his mind.

Hate me if you want…

But he couldn’t. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t. Not with things as they were.

Just please stay.

britishhsdetectivehakuba:

It was as if all the air had been sucked out of the room, and it had become so silent he could hear his blood rushing through his veins. His body trembled and ached and wanted and he just wanted it all to stop,. He wanted to go back to not caring, to not wanting and loving and being distant and cold. He didn’t want to ache with a desire that he couldn’t fulfill. He didn’t want to long for things he couldn’t have. All of this was too much, too much but not enough.

He startled when he felt the blanket drape over him, and he knew, he knew the other was leaving. Of course he was, here was Hakuba curled up on the ground shaking and acting like some over-emotional teenaged girl. He would leave if he ever saw someone do something like this, it was unsightly and awkward. He was probably feeling so disgusted with him right now.

But he didn’t want him to leave.

Hakuba reached out and snagged the other pant leg with trembling fingers. “H-Hold me…” the words were out before he could stop them. “Make the ache stop, even… even if I push you away, hold me and don;t let go. I’d rather be scared out of my mind then feel like this.”

He felt the other grab the cloth.

He knew he should ignore it and pull away, with the detective as he was right now…

He could have said no.

But he didn’t.

Kaito looked down at the shaking hand. Then he knelt down, bell ringing softly, and gently pulled the fingers away, holding them in his own as he slid closer. He bent over the detective to carefully stand him up a bit with his other arm before wrapping it around Hakuba, the first lingering on the fingers before following suit. He pushed down the guilt that wanted to come up from just this simple act to hug the other tighter.

Was he doing it because he’d been told to? Because he knew the other wanted it? Because he himself wanted it? Any reason would probably have been an acceptable one.

But he was just hoping he’d made the right choice to stay. And that the other wouldn’t hate him for it.

britishhsdetectivehakuba:

Hakuba paused as Kuroba says no and frowned, watching as he reached for a chess piece, though he really wasn’t into playing. He wanted a shower, a warm shower where he could wash the icky feeling away, the need, relax. He blinked a little, because he had moved Hakuba’s piece and opened his mouth, but stopped when Kuroba talked. Check mate? That wasn’t a check mate…

Oh.

Check on friend, that was the message behind it.

Kuroba was worried.

About him.

His resolve instantly snapped and he collapsed, hands moving to behind his head as his body shook. This was bad, really bad, there was a warm feeling in his chest, and he knew what that feeling was, and the ache was returning. He wanted to touch, touch and be touched and to be kissed, and he wanted to feel that pleasure again, that warmth that filled his whole body, when he didn’t worry about contamination. Where he could just exist and breath.

“Why do you do this to me? Why do you make me want so many disgusting things!”

Panic. Panic shot through him when the other fell and the shaking started. But the magician knew this wasn’t a phobia attack. He couldn’t touch, or he might set off something else, and two things causing the same reaction would not help. But he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t even know what was caus-

At the detective’s words, he froze.

He made Hakuba…?

After a long moment of hesitation, Kaito slowly stood, looking down at Hakuba with a mixture of sadness and guilt and longing before making his way over to the door. If just being there made the detective react that badly, he needed to distance himself. He didn’t want to ruin the nice moments the other had given him by hurting him like with what had happened when he’d had the real cat ears. He wasn’t sure if he’d leave the house completely, but he at least knew he needed to get out of the room…

He paused before leaving though. He gave a quick glance back, before turning and going to the couch, taking the blanket Hakuba had been using earlier and draping it over the detective now before beginning to walk away again.

britishhsdetectivehakuba:

Hakuba clenched his eyes shut tight, his chest squeezing, his body aching and screaming and demanding for things he couldn’t give it. It hurt, it hurt so badly, made his fingers tense, clench and unclench. It felt like he couldn’t breath, he realized he was starting to hyperventilate; and then it all stopped. His head instantly lifted and there might be some tears rolling down his cheeks. He half wondered if he’d done anything to Kuroba, he’d been so out of it, maybe he’d grabbed him.

But no, he was just kneeling there, looking worried.

Hakuba brought a gloved hand to his face and quickly worked on removing the tears.

“I apologize, I simple saw some dirt on my clothes, I should go change.” Hakuba moved to stand up.

After seeing what had just happened, Kaito wasn’t letting him go off that easily. He’d been watching when the other had come over with the board. There hadn’t been any sign of him focusing on a section of his clothes at any point. After setting up the pieces, he’d just been staring until he started to curl in on himself.

This wasn’t about a speck of dirt.

“No.”

If the other was going to lie, he’d have to make it something more believable. Because the excuse he’d just used wasn’t going to cut it. But he was very limited in what he could do right now, if he wanted to continue following Hakuba’s rules…

The magician glanced at the board for a moment. Then, he turned it to where white was on his side, pushing one of the pawns forward a space. He didn’t look closely at which one, nor did he care if it was even a good move. It wasn’t about the game, just that he’d started one.

His head turned back to the detective, looking him in the eyes. Since the other was British, he hoped he’d get the meaning, since he had very few word options right now.

“Check. Mate,” He said, purposefully taking a pause between the two syllables. Stretching the rules? Yes. It was something he tended to like doing, after all.

britishhsdetectivehakuba:

Hakuba rubbed a hand through his hair. It must have been because he was so tried, that these thoughts were going through his head. He didn’t need contact, he didn’t need to be touched, these were things he lived without for a long time, and never once did he think it was hard. Really, life was perfectly fine, so why now? Why now did he crave a touch, a grind, a pleasure that he’d only ever felt once in his life.

Have not, want not.

He’d had a taste of the things he’d lived without and now he wanted more. He curled and curled inward a little bit, arms coming to rest behind his knees and his head leaned forward against the table. He’d never wanted before in his life, he always had everything. Food, money, clothes, a good education, loving mother, a good friend at school, cases to keep him busy; a nice car. But now, now he was wanting, and it was something he couldn’t have. It made him ache.

His eyes widened as the detective started going into a fetal position, and he started to get up, reaching an arm out, but stopping before it made contact. He wanted to ask what was wrong, or even just say his name to get his attention, but the sound of the bell reminded him that Hakuba had asked him not to speak.

But then it also reminded him he could.

“Stop.”

britishhsdetectivehakuba:

Hakuba cleared his throat and made his way over to the china cabinet, opening up the bottom and brought out his class chess board and walked back towards the couch, setting it down on the coffee table and taking a seat opposite of the other. “During our games you may say the word check and checkmate.” Hakuba set up the pieces, taking white for himself and making Kuroba black.

Though this wasn’t really what he wanted to be doing, but he would not give into those urges. It would never end well, no matter how badly his body seemed to want it; touch. He wanted to be touched and to touch, to feel, but he couldn’t have that. Skin to skin contact made him feel the urge to throw up, and if it ever happened, he was sure he would. These were limitations, but they were livable ones.

Or they had been, before he met Kuroba.

He lifted his head as Hakuba came back with the board, a small frown appearing for a moment before fading. While he knew how to play, and he wasn’treally all that bad at it… it definitely wasn’t the type of game he preferred playing.

But he shifted to face the board, ringing softly as he did, and poked at the top of the black king to make it wobble a bit before putting his hands in his lap and looking over at the detective.

britishhsdetectivehakuba:

Hakuba could feel himself starting to get sleepy, about half an hour in and stretched, yawning. He placed down his book, reaching a hand up to rub at his eye with his palm before closing the book, bookmarking his page. He rubbed the pad of his thumb in circles around the crown of Kuroba’s head before pushing himself up, letting out a second yawn.  He was rather tired, but he didn’t plan on wasting any time with silly things like sleep.

He scratched the top of his head a little, almost absentmindedly and looked around the room, finger tapping his chin as he tried to think of something for them to do. They could play chess, or cards, they could watch TV or movies. He could invite the other upstairs to his room for a cat nap. Hakuba blinked, once twice and then flushed deeply. He was tired, of course, that was the reason he thought of that, of… sleeping in his bed with another person.

It wasn’t until he felt Hakuba shifting that he realised he’d almost dozed off. He opened his eyes and watched as the other took a thinking pose. After what had happened so far, he wasn’t really worried about anything the detective had in mind, though he still carry that annoying small bit of caution. At this point, he was starting to think it was because he was dressed as Kid when he really shouldn’t be…

But curiosity on what the other was thinking made him tilt his head questioningly at the other, especially since he could swear Hakuba’s face was darker than it had been.

britishhsdetectivehakuba:

Hakuba opened his book and got comfortable, reading by holding the book open with one hand at the spine, his other hand reaching down to cart through Kuroba’s hair, scratching over the base where his ears were, and would connect to the skull, fingers lazing through the strands. It was relaxing, and rather soothing. The sound of the crackling fire, the smell of a good book, the feeling of hair under his hands.

It seemed part of him was starting to crave human contact.

He didn’t let that thought sink in too deep, instead he just continued his lazy run his fingers through his hair, starting to hum softly as he did. The warm fire helping to relax him, and the silence was nice. There were no teasing jabs, no bickering, just perfect silence.

He watched the other for a moment before relaxing under the detective’s hand, letting is eyes fall shut. If the book was anything to go by, he’d be here awhile, and even if he didn’t have real cat ears anymore, the fingers running through his head still felt nice. He wasn’t tired or anything yet. He just wanted to enjoy the peace as well.

Accessories aside, he wasn’t regretting being here on the other’s terms.